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솔직히 말해서 에바스럽지도 미녀와 야수스럽지도 않은 것 같아 걱정이다, 아스카 대사는 대충 잘 영어로 구현했다고 생각하건만. narration과 이카리 신지의 독백이 거의 반반씩-은 아니라도, 독백이 지나치게 많이 자리를 차지하는 것 같기도 하다.
The Beast
Gilbert Anchor was drowsing on the underground train, listening to his favorite music and enveloped in solitary thoughts. It has been a long while since he last saw the lady that looked after him, not to mention his father who worked in a government and never came home to see him, saying that he was busy. Of course, his mother would have been there to care for him, were it like the other families, but for him, even that was impossible ; his mother, a biologist and physicist, died during a risky experiment. In that sense he was little better than an orphan. He lived with a lady who, as far as he knew, knew his father from the strange organization where his father worked, and with his classmate, Langley, who explained that she could not stand living with her stepmother any longer.
On the whole, however, Anchor was not particularly unlucky ; in his class, there were students whose family got injured from the recent accident that caused several buildings to collapse, and there were students who applied for some experiments by the government and were seriously injured because of their side effects. No matter how sad his personal history might have been, he was alive and whole, or at the least, his body was. Quite healthy and whole he was for a fourteen-year-old boy, and his features were smooth and handsome, a trait which led the neighbors never to suspect that he might suffer from any serious mental problems.
The signal for the final destination of the train rang through the hallways. Anchor awoke abruptly as if it were an alarm for him, shaking his head frantically and wiping sweat away from the back of his neck. No matter how little his father had cared for him, no matter how so horrible the lady was compared to his mother, he was sure that they would have informed the police of the fact that he, by some reason, was missing from his home and from his “duties”, the experiments he had to take part in just because he was the son of his mother.
It is really ridiculous, Anchor thought angrily, my father just thinks that I am another test subject, why doesn’t he look for a guinea pig or something instead? He nodded despairingly to himself at the thought of his father, cursed under his breath, and ran as fast as he could into the wilds that were surrounding the Third Experimental City, since he knew that nobody would go far enough to search those. Because of a strange accident that took place in the South Pole a few years ago, the climate on the Earth had changed dramatically, and only a year or so has passed since the ecosystem recovered from the shock of that accident. Nobody knew what the cause of that accident was ; some said that it was because of a military experiment, some said that there wasn’t a real accident and it was merely a cover-up story for the United Nations to conceal the fact that they made serious mistakes about the Ozone Layer, and the others(which was the majority) even said that the aliens must have done it. Anchor did not care anyway. He was pretty sure that his father might know the truth, but he did not see his father often enough even to ask him such questions, nor did he want to.
The loud noise of various insects distracted Anchor from his thoughts. As much as his tendency to dislike and ignore the crowd, his misled imaginations tended to go far, perhaps farther than any typical hallucinations by normal children of that age. His imaginations, or hallucinations, that he was a beast misunderstood by everybody except himself, had been the subject of so many sneers and jokes that he could not even remember. He sighed again, delving deeply into his dreams and imaginations.
There was, or he thought there was, a beautiful girl in his class, a girl who had blue silver hair that shone gently when there was any light. Calm and clear and red were her eyes, so fair was her face that she stood out among all else. She spoke little, but when she did, her voice seemed to draw everything into peace and hope. There she always was on the front of the class staring at the teacher, or at the books, sometimes smiling and sometimes not.
I am a beast, he muttered to himself without really noticing it, people hate me for no reason, avoid me, think I am something unable to cope with… I cannot stand it anymore! What on earth is wrong with me, those people only serve to hurt me without any gain, I can’t just see why! Only by some magic can I be healed of this, what a horrible life I am leading anyway… maybe I am destined for something greater than this, I suppose. I know I am unimportant, I know I am stupid, I know I cannot do anything right, but maybe someone will help me, I suppose. I wish someone would help me, turn me into a human at least, a being whom people can like, whom people can look at without turning their back on…
Thus he kept himself alive for several hours, trying to live on pieces of instant food he had brought along. He did not even care to bring enough food for days nor for weeks, since he was sure that they would find him anyway, they needed him for the experiment since he was one of the few that qualified. The only thing I like about that experiment is that I could see that beautiful girl again, it is lucky that she is one of the test subjects. I hope they did not take her away, she is like my mother, if I had a mother I am pretty sure she would have resembled her… He nodded softly as if he was replying to himself.
As expected, after a few hours that felt like days and weeks to him, he was dragged back by a dozen of formidable adults into the very underground train that he was dozing on moments before. Home again, I suppose, with all the pain I have to face, but what can I do about it anyway? I just wish, oh mother, I wish you would be here for me anyway, everybody else has got a mother, I can no longer stand being alone anymore! Though he, delving deep into his thoughts, did not notice it, his neck bent heavily to face the ground.
His life went on as usual, full of dull, repetitive experiments and wearisome classes and homeworks. Though his sense of his own uselessness even deepened, even Anchor himself knew that he could do nothing about it on his own without anyone to help. Those who knew him thought, as they watched him sink even deeper into his own thoughts and avoiding contact with people at all, that he would never be able to be what he wanted to be as long as he stayed Gilbert Anchor, but no one ever even bothered to talk to him, for in a sense, Anchor was right about the idea that he was misunderstood by most people.
In a way, his life was becoming increasingly bothersome for everybody including himself. His father was always complaining about how the experiment results on him was literally terrible. His teachers were giving him harsh grades because of his not paying attention to any class at all but only to another student they did not even know existed. The silver-haired girl did not say a word to him, though she did look at him with strange pity in her eyes. The lady who looked after him was talking about how he should accept his life and duties as his and how he should not try to flee from it. Langley was consistently teasing him about how stupid and self-oriented he was. Anchor did not know how to cope with all those comments, having never had an intimate relationship with anyone anyway. Those people really must hate me, Anchor used to think with increasing bitterness, they will never leave me alone unless I become something else, unless I was normal like all other kids, only if I had my mother, only if I could be together with that silverhaired girl who looks too much like my mother to think it a coincidence…
To complicate things in a sense, as time passed by, his life was getting increasingly more monotonous. When his father did not summon him to “the office” to do strange experiments on him, the lady who brought him up was busy sending both him and Langley to private tutors in order to improve their grades. When he was free both from those two summons, then there was Langley to cope with, Langley who talked so fast that he could not even catch half of her words. He managed to have brief conversations with the girl he fancied so much that he could see her even in his dreams, the girl who talked as if she could understand every aspect of him, but his pupils were blank and dreamy, though pleasant they were, when his conversations lasted longer than ever.
As his conversations with the Beauty who called herself Zero became longer and as he began to feel that there now was someone who understood him and cared for him, more distant he became to the other people he knew. He seldom talked to anyone else, and when he did, he was extremely defensive and he was unwilling to continue the conversation any longer than a few minutes. Even more drawn into his own world he was, quiet and impatient, often staying in his room for days and weeks with no regard to the time that still passed whether he cared or not. His grades were suffering more deeply than ever, and so was his father’s experiment results, so that it was but impossible for those around him to pay more attention to him than ever.
Yet even more drawn to the Beauty who called herself Zero was Anchor, and he now never even stopped whispering to the image of her he saw when he was alone. He often felt her sit quietly by him and read strange books in the voice that was so cool and calm that it reminded her of a lake. Then he would talk calmly about his troubles to her, who could understand him better than anybody else, who was almost like his mother narrowly escaped from the terrible death his father told him his mother had. Now I have someone who understands me, I am no longer a Beast like what I was before… Oh, only if I could be truly together with she who is so much like my mother! He spoke to himself under his breath so often that it even felt strange for him if he did not.
Whatever his father thought about him, however low grade he got from his school, however often Langley teased his stupidity, at least to him his life was more comfortable than it ever was, for he felt then that he was no longer a Beast, but a normal human being, a talented being, even, who could be truly understood if the other people just tried. Then came his last and greatest trance, and in a moment of heavenly delight, he felt the Beauty, the girl who called herself Zero, kiss him softly as if he were her own daughter, as if he were her brother.
‘Disgusting.’
Then Anchor heard Langley scream softly, the Beauty-Not-Beauty-Anymore who was pulling her long brown hair in frustration and anger. She spat dismissively at his feet, and walked away quickly from him to the basin ; she was gargling furiously, and threw a scornful gaze at him when she had finished, while Anchor could do nothing but to stand in shock and dismay.
‘Shame that I ever, ever, ever had the misfortune of having someone as stupid and senseless as you! You think kissing is something you do when you got bored, Gilbert you fool? Disgusting, disgusting that I have to share a house with you, and with that lady too…’
Without a clue to what she was saying, he kept listening to the girl shout out insults to him. He had been kissed by the Beauty whom he had been longing for since the day of his birth, or the day of his mother’s death, without stopping, for years ; he had been kissed by the Beauty with whom he has been brave enough to share his darkest pasts, deepest fears ; but yet he was still the same Anchor who hated people, the same Anchor who was no different from anybody else at all. He was still the Beast, desperately in search of the one who would not laugh at him, nor find him disgusting, yet no one could ever be.
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